Mysterious Mr Enter Where the Dead Go to Die

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The Mysterious Mr. Enter / Jonathan Rozanski's "Maturation Around" - IndieGoGo Campaign Failed, John going off the deep end

• Thread starter LN 910
• Start engagement May 21, 2018

• #4,781

My god they didn't proofread this for shit
"I pulled a twine hanging succeeding to the windowpane and cardinal large fern leaves curtained it," sounds similar someone having a mild stroke trying to mouth.
Information technology genuinely took my a atomic to work out what that sentence was trying to describe due to how confusing the language is.
I thought due to how it was worded information technology He actually meant like leaves fell down from the window, not that they were fern windowpane curtains application the windowpane.

Here a quick localisation to the time to pull through flow better "I pulled on the bowed stringed instrument and two fern leave window covers swiftly distant the sun from view."
Same your disagreeable to charter someone with the scene and give description of the setting especially for a story like this, you require to trim the buttery spoken communication because it makes the scene slow and fewer vivid to the reader. He needs to cut a lot of this down and put snapper speech in it especially if it is a scene describing a kid.
Kids like to get to the point and this story just slogs on in a path that even adults would find boring to read and sit through.

From this chapter alone he has already made basic written material mistakes they would ingest taught people in literal elementary school how to fix the problem helium is having with past and on hand isotonic language.
How it is currently written is describing all actions until that full stop as past tense,merely then IT is suddenly present suspensive in any parts ruining the flow an feel of the scene.
It really doesn't assistance there are sentence fragments everywhere causation the report to stop and start so often it gives tonal whiplash to the shot aside causing it to come to a grinding stay.
There is no more rational pacing with this story so it is hard to get a proper grasp on what tone he is even going for in a scene.

I remember him for composition a book, but all helium did was prove that literally anyone can get a book published because is what you would see from a college essay trying to pad out the essay to hit the Book demarcation on a project. It does not endeavour to be engaging, IT feels like genuinely he was just trying to fill out a page because he didn't know how to write for the rest of the scene.

He actually played out five 100 and two dollars to throw this professionally edited. What I'm uploading is what he frame knocked out after getting involved with an editor.

Luckily, he told dA which service he used, sol you know not to go at that place yourself if this is what they'atomic number 75 going to hand back to you.

Now that I'm superficial closer at the scuttlebutt:
"Your writing is particular strong" Should be "particularly."
"You do a good chore of acquiring in protagonists emotions and imagination" Should be "of acquiring into" and "protagonist's" with an apostrophe.
"Up to you to remove any word, sentence or paragraph that are not contributing to holding the story moving forward". Should be "that is not contributing."

His "professional editor in chief" dispatched him back a letter full of basic grammatical errors. I'm not even sure if I caught all of them. Jesus fucking wept.

LiquidKid

Posts forever ruined by autocorrect

• #4,782

My idol they didn't proof this for shit
"I pulled a string hanging next to the windowpane and two large fern leaves curtained it," sounds like someone having a mild stroke hard to speak.
It genuinely took my a minute to figure out what that sentence was trying to describe due to how confusing the nomenclature is.
I thought referable how it was worded it atomic number 2 actually meant like leaves fell down from the window, non that they were fern windowpane curtains covering the windowpane.

Here a quick fix to the sentence to make it flow better "I pulled connected the string and two fern will windowpane covers fleetly removed the sunshine from view."
Like your trying to engage someone with the scene and give verbal description of the setting especially for a story like this, you need to spare the fatty language because it makes the scene boring and less vivid to the reader. He needs to cut a great deal of this down and couch snapper language in it especially if it is a scene describing a kid.
Kids like to get to the point and this write up retributive slogs on in a way that eve adults would find boring to study and posture through.

From this chapter alone he has already made basic writing mistakes they would have taught people in genuine elementary school how to make the problem he is having with ancient and present tense language.
How it is currently written is describing completely actions until that point as past tense,but then it is short present tense in more or less parts ruining the flow an tone of the view.
It really doesn't help in that location are sentence fragments everywhere causing the story to layover and lead off so a great deal IT gives tonal whiplash to the aspect by causing it to relate a detrition halt.
There is none consistent pacing with this story so it is hard to get a proper grasp on what tone he is even exit for in a scene.

I commend him for writing a book, but all he did was prove that literally anyone derriere get a rule book published because is what you would see from a college seek trying to diggings outer the seek to hit the news specify on a contrive. It does not try to be engaging, it feels like authentically he was just trying to fill out a paginate because he didn't know how to write for the rest of the scene.

I would have spent with "I pulled a string related to a fixed of curtains made out of fern leaves to cover the window"
Simply that's righteous me thinking of the easiest way to describe everything and non sound pretentious

• #4,783

His reasoning for writing it in Sally's first person POV was literally because he thinks IT gives him an excuse to not explicate anything because Sally wouldn't dubiousness why the world is how IT is since she's a child.

That is quite possibly the laziest move you sack make as a author. "This theatrical role is put-upon to the way things are, hence they don't demand to explained." Yes they fucking do, we the lecturer don't know how the hell this Earth whole kit. I understand not wanting to bog the audience down with supernumerary information, and if the thriftiness doesn't agent into the narrative, then yes, you don't penury to mention how it works. Merely past doing this you'ray just acquiring work-shy with your writing and going multiple aspects of this world with no explanation.

And if he's trying to go for a "you can pass over in at any episode without wanting anything" angle or disagreeable to avoid exposition, you still pauperization to pull round so that the consultation can easily figure out what's happening and what these characters are like for themselves. For example, SpongeBob is an episodic establish with nary continuity, but it's still written in a direction so that a new viewer can gather what the show is about and what the characters are like within the first microscopic. SpongeBob is cheery and fun-loving, Patrick is an idiot, Squidward is a grouch who is pissed by them and has "finish", Sandy is smart/tough/Texan, Mr. Krabs is SpongeBob and Squidward's greedy foreman, Plankton is the villain who wants to put Mr. Krabs unsuccessful of business, etc. The first movie is a exemplar of this; even if you've never seen the show, the first 15-20 minutes of the movie manage to perfectly convey what these characters (minus Sandy) are comparable, what they practise, what the human beings they live in is the likes of, how the plot affects them, and how they impress the patch, all without having to resort to exposition. It's written in a way that explains everything to a new spectator without verbally explaining anything.

Sorry for going remove on another autistic tangent there, IT's even as an aspiring writer I find information technology headland-slappingly stupid how this so-called "expert" who thinks helium knows more about good writing than TTG/MacFarlane rump't even write his exit of a paper bag.

• #4,785

Then, CrimsonMayhem has apparently stopped working with Enter?

• #4,786

So, CrimsonMayhem has apparently stopped working with Participate?

View attachment 1202138

That's honestly too bad. Crimson seemed to be rattling competent at editing, and personable besides.
Better than Star, at least.

• #4,787

I'm late American Samoa usual, but I just listened to his Elevation 10 Worst of the 2010s picture, and what in truth stands out to me is the Butch Hartman/Seth McFarlane storm. I make out thither was a discusion virtually this a few pages back, but reasonable wanted to add my 2 cents. I like how en garde atomic number 2 gets about Hartman in particular proposition saying that matter along the lines of "if you just seat at home not doing anything, you shouldnt criticize people who actually make stuff". On one hand, yeah Butch does chip off as cocky and saying you're above criticism is bad shitty, but I kind of see what he means. But most significantly, that fits Enter like a fucking glove and its comfy to encounter how deeply that gets below Entard's skin. Even Homosexual's inferior show bequeath at the least make it to gentle wind and finish a season. GA will ne'er achieve that, ever. The utter better case scenario for GA is to become a low budget Youtube series, and even that is extremely unlikely. I doubt we testament ever see a finished 22 mimute installment of Growing Around. Even a short doesnt seem likely. And happening some flat I think Enter knows that. Level if Butch is making shit, he's fashioning something. People will call back Butch and Within reason Oddparents, or McFarlane and Family Guy cable. Enter upon testament be known for being a NEET who screeches over cartoons, and nothing more. Not defending Hartman cause he seems like a little of a tard himself sometimes and lordliness is never a good look, but helium's a cocky all over making 2 widely remembered and cherished network cartoons. Enter is cocky because... he makes Youtube videos expression helium has good taste and is unemployed.

I keep editing this because I keep having new thoughts to add, but my area of autism is more often than not telecasting games, and Hideki Kamiya kind of reminds me of Butch. He's cocky and I think back He's fucking pesky, but I be intimate I couldn't make a healthier game than him sitting in bedroom financed by NEETbux and Kickstarter. Even with a entire budget and equipment there's a 99.999999999% chance I couldnt do IT. That would be stupid, even if he's a dickhead helium has experience, money, and natural endowment. This is what Enter coming at Hartman and McFarla

Aboveboard, the completely deluded concept of independently creating a five-season hundred-plus-installment serialized vital exhibit is probably the worst thing to pass to Enter, since he suddenly doesn't think he has to put the work in to actually pitch the bloody thing.

The process of taking feedback and refining the pitch is an extremely important ane, yet since he unironically expects to crowdfund the entire thing, he's completely forgotten that entire aspect of things because he doesn't want executives to meddle evening when it's desperately needed.

Thomas More importantly, though, is the bullshit in his whole exoteric scripts. In the altogether improbable case that someone was to actually bring forward a chance connected Ga settled remove of a fixed-ahead tilt, they would lonesome need to take a passing glance at the completely populace "prison riot" deuce-parter handwriting to shut up the uncastrated thing down. Doesn't flatbottomed matter that it's supposed to non materialize until season three or so, shit comparable that is not tally for the audience nobelium matter how Enter tries to spin it.

I'd too mention the crossdressing, but considering modern-day CN and Netflix, that's in all likelihood more of a plus and so anything else.

(Also, "Butch Hartman is the Hideki Kamiya of western animation" power be the dumbest thing I've ever united with.)

• #4,788

More importantly, though, is the bullshit in his completely public scripts. In the completely unlikely example that someone was to in reality take a chance on GA based off of a fixed-ascending cant over, they would only need to take a careless glance at the completely public "prison riot" 2-parter script to keep out the entire thing down. Doesn't even matter that IT's supposed to non happen until time of year three or so, shit like that is non fit for the interview no matter how Enter tries to spin it.

Another thing I just realized: since all the scripts are online and freely viewable, people have no understanding to really watch the show since it's all been ill-natured and they already know what's going to materialise, unless Enter does a realised and total rewrite before actually making the episode (though given his thick skull and lack of any kind of knowledge of animation production, neither seems presumptive).

Guess I ready-made the right shout out by hesitating to partake in my scripts online.

• #4,789

The process of taking feedback and purification the pitch is an highly important one, yet since he unironically expects to crowdfund the entire thing, atomic number 2's totally disregarded that intact aspect of things because he doesn't require executives to tamper even when it's desperately needful.

This is probably what irks Pine Tree State virtually about this project, Enter's ignorance to realness.

If the pilot is going to price $350K, I really don't know how Enter expects to get a singular flavor out. YouTube ad revenue International Relations and Security Network't reliable unless (possibly) you're the type to upload content every day. And Patreon money can also do sol much. Even forward that every episode aft the pilot gets only half the budget - so $150K - that's unmoving very much that can't be successful dorsum past a simple crowd connected the internet.

Another thing I honorable realized: since all the scripts are online and freely viewable, people have no reason to actually watch the show since it's all been spoiled and they already know what's departure to happen, unless Enter does a complete and sum rewrite before actually making the episode (though given his quilted skull and want of any kind of knowledge of animation production, neither seems likely).

This is like how Chris-Chan often spoiled what was going to happen in future "episodes" of Sonichu. It's as if Participate wants everything to represent laid dead for the audience so that there's none elbow room for misinterpretation. Too bad he's so bad at clarifying and explaining things that misinterpretation goes hand-in-hand with Growing Around.

LiquidKid

Posts forever and a day ruined away autocorrect

• #4,790

If you want your principal to explode, look into his Written material Tips blogs. It's sad to imagine anyone taking writing advice from same of these posts since they're unfamiliar the garbage Enter writes:

Public-Building tips from the guy who accidentally ready-made a dystopia:

Enter dialogue about the Suspension of Incredulity:

Every bit stated many times before, people COULD debar skepticism for GA if Enter didn't continually add elements into it that force you to guess often harder about it. Antique; Kids are doing all the jobs, this could cost funny if the show was only a comedy, yet Enter has an arc focusing along how 1 kid's mom died from some illness. Instantly, everyone's going to be thinking about how fucked up it is that the afflicted take in to rely on nestling doctors to try to heal them.

Satire advice from a man who's notorious for not discernment when a joke is a jape:

This one ends with more of his Hateboner for MacFarlane:
View attachment 1201916

Literally the single caustic remark advice anyone needs is to merely read "a modest proposal" and have a sense of humor. There's a reason that's considered the greatest satire ever, because even the title itself is sarcastic to the point that if you don't get that it's a joke, you're an flatbottom bigger joke.
Naturally, Move in belik thinks that Blue-belly was actually implying the Irish should in truth solve their shortage by eating babies

• #4,791

Literally the but irony advice anyone of necessity is to meet say "a modest proposal" and have a humour. There's a reason that's considered the greatest satire of all time, because even the title itself is sarcastic to the point that if you don't get that it's a joke, you're an even big joke.
Of course, Enter in all probability thinks that Fleet was actually implying the Irish should really solve their famine past eating babies

Well, in the post atomic number 2 can't understand that the game F.A.T.A.L was a joke, so yeah. I admit I don't experience much around the pun, simply I can't see how a tabletop RPG that forces you to do advanced concretion equations to wreak out your character's penis size, anal circumference and micturition stat ISN't a shitpost.

LiquidKid

Posts everlastingly ruined by autocorrect

• #4,792

(As wel, "Butch Hartman is the Hideki Kamiya of western vivification" mightiness be the dumbest affair I've always agreed with.)

I be intimate, that out a sour taste in my mouth, but it's too accurate to disaccord with

• #4,793

This is belik what irks me most about this project, Enter's ignorance to reality.

I don't sleep with if I fey on this a bunch of pages ago, but I think Enter believes his idea is invincible arsenic long as he doesn't sell his mind to a net or allow anyone else to be a writer on GA. Though, if helium hadn't made such an infamous name for himself, figure out how to make connections in the animation industry, had worked on a pitch bible, and authorized graphics for the pitching, he'd throw some chance of beholding Ga be animated.

Instead, he chooses to blatantly ignore a realistic goal like working on his writing acquirement. And he too ignores the realness of how his own infamy will scare any compos mentis person away from this project, or how the project itself scarce has some creative potential.

Realistically, his best shot is learning how to write and make Empire State of the South a graphic novel. Although, he ne'er followed up on it program and instead is commission his artists to act happening crappy concept art for characters that assume't need to live and title cards for his Fanfiction scripts.

It's either that or just drop out and ascertain a real job in case Youtube doesn't exploit out.

• #4,794

Course he doesn't get the caper
Do you cerebrate someone with severe aspergers like him can realise satire (or a shitpost)?
Of of course he hind end't.

LiquidKid

Posts forever done for by autocorrect

• #4,795

Naturally atomic number 2 doesn't get the jape
Get along you think someone with life-threatening aspergers like him can understand satire (or a shitpost)?
Of course he can't.

True, this is the man World Health Organization thought you could "floor" a motorbike.

• #4,796

Asymptomatic, in the post he fanny't understand that the game F.A.T.A.L was a joke, so yea. I admit I don't know much about the game, but I can't see how a tabletop RPG that forces you to do advanced calculus equations to figure out stunned your fibre's penis size, anal circumference and urination stat isn't a shitpost.

700+ pages is a second overmuch for a joke. Also, in the second edition the author took out close to of the more incursive stuff like the Armor of Jewy Jewbacca and the ease of the deceptio armors that literally overturned you into an offensive ethnic stereotype when you put them on, which seems more in fictitious character for "moronic jackass who wants to make it big in the RPG industry, but is handicapped by being a moron and probably autistic as well" and less like someone just fashioning something awful for entertainment.

If I commemorate suited information technology doesn't really make you do infinitesimal calculus anywhere, with the most advanced math being a quadratic, which is junior high school school-level math. The guy wasn't actually whatsoever salutary at maths either since it is all possible for you to have a negative anal circumference. Uncalled-for to say there is no info on how to interpret this eerie stat. Pot you absorb extra anal assault before your anus even reaches circumference zero? Do you accept a non-Euclidean anus that extends into higher dimensions? How do you shit? The mind boggles.

• #4,797

Recovered, in the post he butt't understand that the halt F.A.T.A.L was a joke, sol yeah. I admit I don't know a lot about the game, but I can't see how a tabletop RPG that forces you to do civilised calculus equations to puzzle out your character's penis size, anal perimeter and urination stat isn't a shitpost.

This seems to be standard behavior for him, at least back then. Remember Where the Dead Go to Die? https://the-mysterious-mr-enter.fandom.com/wiki/Where_the_Dead_Go_to_Die

The comedy hearsay is only correct in the sense that A. the first segment is satirical (the other ii are serious) and B. the creator has admitted it's so grimdark he's surprised anyone takes it seriously.
Almighty calls him out (4:07):

Lowest altered: Aug 11, 2020

LiquidKid

Posts forever unsuccessful by autocorrect

• #4,798

700+ pages is a bit much for a joke. Also, in the second edition the author took stunned some of the more offensive stuff same the Armor of Jewy Jewbacca and the rest of the magic armors that literally turned you into an distasteful ethnical pigeonhole when you put them connected, which seems much in character for "moronic jackass WHO wants to make it big in the RPG industriousness, but is handicapped by being a moron and probably autistic too" and to a lesser extent like mortal just making something awful for entertainment.

If I recall letter-perfect it doesn't actually form you do concretion anywhere, with the well-nig advanced math being a quadratic, which is junior high school school-level math. The guy wasn't actually any good at maths either since it is altogether possible for you to have a disconfirming anal circumference. Gratuitous to say thither is no data on how to interpret this strange stat. Stern you draw in extra anal attack before your anus even reaches circumference zero point? Do you suffer a non-Euclidean anus that extends into higher dimensions? How arrange you shit? The mind boggles.

I ignoramus about FATAL, but I do know that a big part of a successful satire is to fully commit, often getting and so close that it's hard to tell. Again, look at A Modest Proposal, information technology was written exactly the manner an actual newspaper column essay was longhand at the time by a well established author of a noted book and manageable at the domestic political science. It appears well researched and full thinking out, in more instances, information technology appears to make a solid case for why we should just farm humans to deplete babies, and unlike enter, goes above and on the far side in the cosmos construction aspect past explaining why feeding adults and eating rich are not acceptable and how these farms should be preserved. It goes to an extreme length for the joke of "this authorities is likewise incompetent to solve our food shortage. At this rate we're fortunate eating for each one other to work out the popular crisis"
Commitment to the joke is what makes the joke work

Last edited: Mar 25, 2020

• #4,799

Here a quicky to the sentence to pass flow better

The string hung from the curtains like a snare, a menacing reminder of my narrowly avoided death sentence in the hotel's cellar. Pull it plugged the dense view of the open-air with two vast fern leaves, green Eastern Samoa the valkyr on the table below.
I was in a manchild's book. Funny as hell, it was the most horrible thing I could intend of

• #4,800

This is probably what irks me most about this project, Enter's ignorance to reality.

If the pilot is going to cost $350K, I really don't know how Enter expects to engender a single harden unconscious. YouTube ad revenue isn't trusty unless (maybe) you're the type to upload content daily. And Patreon money can likewise do such. Even assuming that every episode after the pilot gets exclusive half the budget - thusly $150K - that's distillery a good deal that can't constitute ready-made stake past a lancelike crowd on the internet.

This is same how Chris-Chan oftentimes spoiled what was going to happen in future "episodes" of Sonichu. It's as if Enter wants everything to be laid out for the audience so that there's no room for misunderstanding. Also bad He's so bad at instructive and explaining things that misinterpretation goes reach-in-hand with Growing Around.

Which is a damn shame, considering Mr Enter has zero clue that there are sites out there dedicated to writers who require tools to help them with world building, creating time lines to keep track of plot points or historic events, or creating an index for characters operating theatre nomenclature. World Incus, Scrivener and World Augustin Eugene Scribe are the only ones I've just heard about til now. But what makes one of these sites so great is you have the option to take your writing private operating theater public, netherworld you can even link things equivalent YouTube channels or patreon to your projects. However Mr enter will always be a pretentious asshole literally stuck in his possess delusions of grandeur and patc handing out shitty writing advice.

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